Sitting on the sofa trying to push through a slight drinking headache that managed to coincide with a horrible sinus headache. All my fault as I know full well drinking lowers your immune response and I was in early stages of a nasty cold. Headache meds and decongestant has me back up to sitting and reading while also feeding my ravenous side due to drink. It was a good night out with friends though.
I have been reading a new book which I am finding quite inspiring. It is call The Fat Girls Guide to Marathon Running by Julie Creffield. Now by that title you might think I have designs on running a marathon which is quite understandable however I feel more certain than ever that this is unlikely a distance for me. This is however a great little guide to running in general as a bigger girl as well a a guide to learning to believe in yourself. The author also have a website called http://www.toofattorun.com which I highly recommend. Personally, I think her message of accept yourself and push yourself to reach your potential carries over not only to all sport but life in general.
I have been trying to run and walk more which I feel I was very successful with last week. I managed 23.05km in total mileage last week. This week I have fallen down on the job a bit though. Yesterday I did my 2k run with our little home education running group where last week I had done 5k so down 3k right there. This morning I was meant to be running parkrun but well refer to paragraph one. Running just wasn’t happening this morning so instead I think we will walk to the store for milk later for no more than about 2 miles. Tomorrow we will try to make up for a bit of the lost mileage but as the plan was already an 8 mike walk with some jogging bits here and there I am not sure how much extension I can actually muster. I did do my cardio tennis this past Monday with less people in the group so the workout was extra intense for me. Also, my 2k run was a personal best of 14 minutes 49 seconds. No, I am not fast but a shuffled quickly in a jogging fashion the whole way around.
Generally speaking I can run almost all of a 5k and suspect if I was fully mentally prepared I could have already done so. I am thinking that increasing my mileage might help make 5k not seem so mentally daunting anymore so I am thinking of signing up for a 10k. Walking 6.2 miles is not a big deal so the idea is to run as much of it as possible. This of course means that I need to actively train for more running miles . I figure the only way to fit in a long run is within my long Sunday walks. I am committed in too many other directions for any other day.
On Wednesday I started a bookkeeping course at the local college. I had just finished a free 4 week MOOC on futurelearn so for one day of class I got to feel like a know-it-all. Why for only one day? Because all of the 4 week course material was covered in the first night of class. Sigh, I like feeling smart and I suspect I will not be having that feeling from here on out. I am excited about the class though as well as being able to do more of the work in my husband’s bookkeeping business.
Anyway, must get going and try to do something productive with my day. Not sure what that might be though so don’t hold your breath. Have a great weekend all.
I started off my New Year with a Parkrun to kick off my intention to improve my running and try to do a few races. My first week was a good start with two Parkrun(5k each) and a 2 k run with our home education community for a total of 12k in my first week. Frustratingly I reduced my mileage every week even through my intention was to increase it. Life getting in the way situation. Despite this hiccup I have still managed to have three personal bests in a row at Parkrun and am on the verge of beating a pack for the first time. Last week I was able to see the pacer the whole race but couldn’t get past him.
My plan is to increase my mileage (including walking) to work on stamina. I have started doing cardio tennis again as it is a harder HIIT style workout for me than trying to push myself on the treadmill. I will continue my home ed running group and park run too. Hopefully over the next couple months I will have not only reach my goal of under 40 minute Parkrun but begin to at least run/walk in the area of 10k. Fingers crossed and happy thoughts.
Exhausted! Not sure if it is a sign of impending flu or just not sleeping so well lately. All I am sure of is that I want a nap but don’t dare do it as it might impede another good night’s sleep.
I am currently doing three futurelearn courses with a fourth starting on Monday and if all goes well an in class bookkeeping course the following week. I am also doing an art class. The main thing I have learned in my art class is that I am not an artist. I have upped my workouts since the stitch ripped through and relieved the extreme pain and averaging about 12km of running each week with weights three times a week. Not sure it has made any weight difference but it is helping mentally.
I applied for a warehouse job back in November and after four stages of application I was finally offered the job. One problem though was that I applied for what appeared to be a part-time job of no more than 30hrs but in the end it turned out it was a minimum of 30hrs a week with potentially over 40 hours a week. I was not prepared for that at all. I am really glad I went through the process though and it has lead to me trying to re-enter education.
As for the health stuff. I cancelled the endoscopy of my stomach as I can see no benefit and the risk is unacceptable considering I have no problem with my stomach or esophagus. I still intend to go the CT with contrast as that should look at my diaphragm which is where the damage is. I no longer want any treatment unless there were evidence of allergic reaction. The pain is gone and though there is still ache in the right side of my diaphragm it is improving with exercise. As doctors are untrustworthy liars I cannot cope with anymore of them.
That pretty much has me up to date now. Just finishing off dinner and getting ready for the gym. All I want is to sleep but that is how life goes.
23rd December….stitch in my diaphragm finally finished ripping through after almost 5 months of constant pain. The pain was enough for me to writhe and scream out but the release of pressure was relieving. Two paramol , my regular meds and a determination to sleep got me through. The next few days were pain , swelling under my sternum (that wraps over the edge so I can feel it) and paramol several times a day got me through the holidays. By the 27th the swelling had reduced enough that I managed a day on only one dose of paramol. The next day no extra pain meds and tried skipping my nightly amitriptyline to see how my next day (busy day) would be. In the past I have immediately awoke with pain and needed meds by noon to keep going but on the 29th of December I woke without pain. I got through a full day on my feet, shopping and lifting heavy (and light) objects and only gave in the pain meds in the evening for minor aching. I have decided to reduce my amitriptyline in half as long as I am not in pain and if all goes well drop them later in the new year.
Of course the latest doctor gave me no way of contacting him. I now have a gastroscopy booked for later in the month for pain that has nothing to do with my stomach because the doctors give no regard for anything I have to say. I also have a CT with contrast booked which I hope for once might show the damage that has been done to me but in all honesty I and my needs have been irrelevant to the NHS. With or without competent doctors I think I might have gotten through the worst part of it all. The lopsided breathing seems to be my new normal and the right side of my diaphragm is tight and uncomfortable. I pray that reading about this horrible experience will save at least one person from making the mistake of trusting doctors and their lies about weight loss surgery. It is dangerous, damaging and does nothing to help with weight loss.
I had a letter through from the new surgeon. He clearly had no interest in what I need for my body. He included the very doctors that assaulted then neglected me in the letter. Those bastards are given more say over my body than I am. I am being forced to endure tests I don’t want, see a dietician I don’t want to deal with, and see a psychologist that only gives a shit about weight loss which I need to stop thinking about all together as it causes so much anxiety. They don’t care about my needs in the slightest. Every time I tried to speak the doctor threatened to refuse me healthcare altogether. I am looking at many months more worthless tests and appointments that don’t deal with any of my pain. The anger at the fucked up system is killing me. North Bristol Trust is clearly no better than the last hospital and I will suffer on with no help.
Saw another doctor about the pain. He seemed angry at me from the moment I walked in. The entire visit I was battling a panic attack and couldn’t stop crying. Twice he threatened to walk out because I was angry and upset. I was not allowed feelings or opinions. I was not allowed to try and explain my experiences. Most of the time he wasn’t even talking to me but to my husband instead. I have been ordered to submit to more tests with nothing explained about the procedures.
I have been ordered to see their psychologist and dietician. I went in to have pain treated and was weighed in like a prize heifer before being questioned about my weight loss. Weight loss is of no real interest to me anymore. Even in the beginning of all this the weight loss side of things was secondary to being healthy. I was promised surgery would help me be healthy but it only destroyed my health. I have no interest in talking to any more dieticians. As of the psychologist, just another person to tell me my feelings are irrelevant and to just sit down, shut up and do as I am told. I am so tired of people. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to be touched by people. I just want to be left the hell alone.
I am quite irrelevant to all of this. I am told I have rights but that they will refuse me treatment if I dare invoke my rights so in all reality I have no rights. I am valueless. I am worthless. I am irrelevant. I am tired.
Since my complaint against the surgeon that verbally abused me in order to intimidate me into signing forms was ignored by Gloucestershire Royal Hospital and the parliamentary ombudsman is not taking my complaint seriously I complained to the medical council. I got the response back from the General Medical Council stating that this type of abuse is not considered serious enough to punish the surgeon. They don’t consider abuse and assault serious enough to investigate British doctors. It is perfectly acceptable to those that license our doctors to abuse and assault patients. The doctors of Great Britian are a danger to all of us. By not punishing abusers the General Medical Council encourages the abuse of patients by all of their doctors. There is no protection of patients in this country. Only doctors are protected and to hell with the patients.
My husband is travelling on business and I miss him even more than the first time we parted ways (international relationships have those moments). It has been nearly 18 years since we married and my love for him is stronger than it even was than. I am so thankful to have found a love that grows together rather than apart like so many others. Everything feels like it can be overcome as long as we are together. But apart I feel less than whole and I live for when we can be together again. I am blessed.
Posted in life
Tagged love, marriage
I have had no luck in finding a job. I really have no idea how to go about getting a job as it has been 18 years and another country since my last real job. I think I will need professional help in that aspect of my life. So what shall I do to fill my mind. I had intended for this year to be full of workouts and general physical activity but that seems to be gone now. With all else that I am dealing with I am finding the thing I most need is distraction from dieting and my struggle to be active anymore. I have packed away my Fitbit and deleted My Fitness Pal off my devices. I am just not quite sure how to fill my time.
As a stay at home mum I have previously filled my time with home education and physical activities. The kids are all off at college everyday now so the home education isn’t even there anymore. The only other things I can think of to do are cooking or cleaning my house.
Cooking….that would be food and food leads me to diet and I wonder if cooking wouldn’t be mentally stressful for me. At the same time perhaps cooking would help me relax more about food and balance out my anxiety state. This morning I have been googling how to bake bread in my instant pot. It sounds like it might come out nice that way. But do I want to eat bread? Just one of my many food anxieties. I do want to eat the bread and yet the more often I have bread the less weight I seem to lose. Perhaps this is exactly why I need to focus more time on cooking and baking.
You see even the smallest thing a normal person doesn’t seem to obsess about drives me to an overthinking anxiety that I believe might actually be hurting my weight loss. When I started this latest stretch of dieting I told the dietician and doctor that dieting causes me to get into an obsessive place that overtakes every other part of my life. I told them I needed to no count calories as I would get trapped in the numbers and trying to make everything perfect. They pushed me to use the food trackers anyway. I have been lost in counting calories, carbs, protein grams and even fibre to the point that I mentally tally all of it throughout the day even without the tracker. I hate how this makes me feel. This doesn’t help me lose weight. This doesn’t make me healthy.
So what shall I do? How do I find my way back out of the overwhelming mental state that does nothing but harm me? Do I find a new hobby? How does one even do that? Do I throw myself into my domestic tasks…of which my home is in desperate need? Do I take a course at the local college? Do I find the professional help to find a job? Oh what to do. I think I need to probably do all of these just not at the same time. Perhaps just take the time and make some bread today.
Having had the gastric sleeve surgery in July I discovered a rather hugely important issue after surgery. You see I have always needed a high fibre diet for comfort reasons. After surgery they put you on a virtually no fibre liquid diet followed onward by a pathetically low fibre diet. You see you can’t eat enough fruit and veg after eating meat in order to get your fibre and nutrients. Enter a switch in diet as fruit, veg and fibre are non-negotiable.
Protein is tough to fulfill on a sleeve stomach following a plant-based diet…not impossible but it takes work and comes with more calories in the long run. On top of the typical challenge I also get to battle the natural inclination to not eat in the morning as I am not hungry. Why is that a problem? There are not enough hours in the day to eat enough volume without eating breakfast. I do believe my solution will have to be smoothies as it is the easiest to eat and packs the most nutritional punch however oatmeal with flax, hemp seeds, peanut butter and raisins works pretty well if I feel able to eat it all.
I have noticed another challenge for me though. With each meal I feel able to eat a bit less each time. Lunch I often seem to only pull off eating about 15g of protein most days. I have tried to eat left overs from dinner but there isn’t always food leftover. So today I worked on a new plan….perhaps not my best plan. I cooked up a pot of beans (adzuki as I hadn’t had them before) and another pot of grains (kamut) with the intention of having a serving of each with veggies. Kamut is lovely enough but adzuki bean are a vile attack of Satan. The underlying theory of the plan was valid but the start being adzuki was a massive mistake. I am wondering if my best plan might be also making a veggie soup to put my beans and grain in at lunch. No matter, I just have to keep exploring my plan to get it right including a tiny volume high protein ingredient that can boost up the protein so I don’t need a 4th or even 5th meal. I really don’t want to eat all the time.
Dinner is pretty straightforward however I still get stuck on high enough protein. Pizza for instance….high protein topping? I don’t fancy beans or lentils on my pizza personally. The crust has a good bit of protein and the nutritional yeast provides a bit and of course there must be a bit in the roast veggies but still not hitting that 20g per meal target. Bean burgers come pretty close to hitting that target but also falls just short. I have a few other meals that fall just short and since lunch is also falling short my 60g a day minimum isn’t going to plan.
So what did I do to deal with this frustration? Stopped tracking my food and pretended it didn’t matter! Consequences of burying my head? My hair is thinning out and I am regularly covered in loose hair. Ugh. Anything else? Well according to the bodytrax machine at the gym the only weight I have lost for several weeks has been muscle! Maybe the hair and muscle thing would have happened anyway I don’t know. So what to do? Trying to up the protein but my best plan so far is a piece of peanut butter toast before bed but that is an extra 250calories a day. Worth the calories or not? Frustrated.
Today when caught out for breakfast (in the car heading out) I decided I would have meat and berries to see how my stomach felt. Stomach did not cope with the harder to digest meat and I had to wait 20minutes before I could manage my berries. It didn’t cause any reflux problems though so that was a good sign but still come back to not being able to eat enough produce to keep my fibre level up. Just seem to be screwed if I do and screwed if I don’t.